Death of the Highest Order
by TotalDramaRox97
Summary: Many of these segments I made months ago


It's no question that most of the people who die on this show were complete assholes, but tonight we have some of our worst ever and these people deserve it. We have a rapist who's an asshole, a runaway who gets clotheslined, a mugger who blows his top, a thief who sucks, a creep with a splash crash, and a kidnapper who goes back from where she came. No one is safe in tonight's 1000 Ways to Die.

Date: April 27, 2007

Montgomery, AL

Dead silence roars through this hospital. Why? No, it's not the closing hours and there hasn't been a power outage. We're in the nursery of this hospital. After babies are born, they are taken here to make sure they are safe for a little. Some are sicker than others and require this treatment more. Most of them are born from mothers who did drugs during pregnancy or were born with a birth defect. However, at this hospital there is one sicker than all of them combined. This is her. She doesn't have a name so let's call her Evelyn. Evelyn wasn't brought here in the way one would think. She has a sickening story. This is Evelyn's mother, Desiree. Desiree never wanted a child and wasn't going to let something she didn't want ruin her life. Instead of putting her up for adoption, Desiree decided to induce her own labor in the place she (Desiree) belonged, a dumpster. She ate some spicy food and gave birth inside the dumpster, and left her there to die. A do-gooder saw what happened and called the ambulance and police. By the time they arrived, Desiree had fled, but Evelyn was alive in critical condition. The do-gooder didn't get a good enough look at Desiree to identify her and she blocked her license plate number. Evelyn was immediately taken to the Intensive Care Unit where doctors were able to save her life after being in the unsanitary dumpster. However, Evelyn is still in critical condition and has no mother to look after her. Lucky for her, the do-gooder was a woman who was spayed, regretted it, and was more than willing to adopt the baby as her own after Evelyn was healthy enough to go home. However, this happy ending will have a twist.

Somehow, Desiree had discovered that her baby had been found, and was in the hospital. Desiree is convinced that they will find out it was her and she will be arrested. Desiree already went too far by trying to dispose of her child; now she's going to do something even worse. She believes that Evelyn can be used as evidence to help convict her so she's going to kidnap her own child from the ICU. Desiree makes her foot look gangrenous so she'll be given immediate medical care. She goes to the hospital and checks herself in. "Hi, my foot is turning black and it really hurts." The receptionist is suspicious, but she knows if she denies medical assistance; this hospital would be sued. They take her in just as she planned. "Okay, we'll get a dermatologist to look at your foot right away, but for the time being please stay put." Desiree has no intention of staying put. The second the attending physician leaves, she goes to look for her daughter. She pretends to limp to make her fake condition look real. She approaches the nursery and the do-gooder spots her. She alerts the receptionist. "Excuse me, that is the woman who left her daughter in the dumpster." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive." The receptionist can't do anything until she tries to break into the ICU. She alerts the security and they are on Desiree. Desiree makes a run for it and exposes her fake condition. She's screwed now. Desiree makes a sharp turn and collides with a medical cart. (Desiree hits the cart and both she and the cart topple) "Freeze!" (security flips Desiree over and she has a scalpel in her clavicle and a long cut in her neck) No problem. Jason Romero EMT: "When she crashed into this medical cart it knocked all the tools off. A scalpel from the cart landed upright and she fell right on it. The scalpel is incredibly sharp and dangerous, one of the most dangerous medical tools. When she fell on the upright scalpel it hit her carotid artery. With the scalpel being round handled, it slid through her carotid artery and stopped at her clavicle leaving the large cut open and she bled to death very quickly."

Desiree thought she could get away with one crime by committing another. She was heartless and clueless. And now her only redeeming quality, she's lifeless.

Way to Die #164

OBGY-End

Date: October 12, 1989

Los Angeles, CA

It takes a lot to be a CEO of a major business. Susan has the skills to pay the bills. She is also a complete a-hole. Susan is as greedy as a crustacean and would do anything to increase profits of her company. Her favorite tactic was forcing her workers, who knew very little of labor laws, into as much overtime as possible. She had no empathy and hated anyone who got in her way no matter what their age. "Listen my son is vomiting and he has a temperature of 102. I need to stay home today." "He could be dying on a hospital bed of leukemia and I wouldn't care. You are coming to work or else you are fired." She stepped on everyone's backs and never had problems with making others miserable. Lucas Armborst Labor Union Worker: "With labor unions these days, we make sure workers are being treated respectfully and not being taken advantage of. These tactics have been very efficient, but you still get employers who mistreat there workers. An employer like Susan is like one before the unions were made and not only would they be kicked out of the job, they could even spend time in prison for their actions." Susan's personality only got worse and worse. Today, Susan decides to donate blood. You may be thinking "How is that a bad quality?" Well, here's why. She is a paid blood donor and she has an ulterior motive. She wants to see where the bag of blood will go so she can rob the blood bank and steal blood to sell to the local gang doctors. Ellsworth Grant Hematologist: "This woman thought she could rob a blood bank, but it's impossible. Blood banks are guarded like Fort Knox. The blood there is very precious because in refrigeration, blood cells will survive only a few weeks. Sometimes there are blood shortages which can be prevented with one percent more people donating some."

"Okay you'll only feel a slight pinch." The doctor slips the needle in. Susan, like many children, has a fear of needles so she looks away as the syringe draws blood from her body. What Susan doesn't know is, she should've chosen a different doctor. For the past few days, her doctor has been having insomnia for the past few days. This insomnia led to a minor cold. Last night, she was getting over her insomnia, but she needed to get rid of her cold. Her husband let her use his cold pills. She was so tired, she misread the dosage recommendation. It said take 1 pill, but she misread it as 4. Before the blood test, she had taken a total of 8 cold pills. Her husband's pills came with a side effect of drowsiness. Combined with her insomnia, she was so tired she passed out. Susan should've done something but she did something wrong too. We all know you aren't supposed to eat before having a medical procedure done. This however, doesn't apply to blood drawings. You're actually encouraged to eat before it. Not eating before the blood donation caused her to have low blood sugar and with the blood being drawn, her blood sugar became so low that before she could do anything, she passed out. By the time the doctor awoke, she was lying in a pool of blood, but not her own. (Susan's dead bloody body is shown and the doctor screams) With no one advising the blood drawing, the syringe continued drawing blood from Susan. Soon after, the bag became so filled with blood, it popped. After that, the blood being drained from her arm was falling on the floor. The syringe had continued drawing blood from Susan's body and by the time her doctor awoke in the pool of blood, Susan had had all the blood drained from her body.

Susan was a greedy thieving scumbag who tried to give up some blood to make a bundle. In the end, she didn't just give up some blood. She gave up her life.

Way to Die #622

Sucked Dry

Coming up, an asshole gets an overdue wakeup call and what comes up must go down.

Date: April 26, 2003

Pacific Coast, USA

Many people wish to have a fanbase. If you ever do, just hope it's never a guy like Russell. We all know this guy. He has no life, no job, and no friends. He spends all his time stalking and obsessing over those he idolizes. Hailey Wittenberg Therapist: "These stalker fans sometimes know everything about you. They can know your address, home phone number, where you went to school, and even your medical records. These types of stalkers are incredibly to get rid of because they have nothing else to do. The person they are stalking is what their life is centered around." His obsession is over a skydiving team called "The Freefallers". The Freefallers have taken skydiving to new levels by performing stunts that have wowed their fans, especially Russell. Russell has tried to join their team, but he failed because there was no more room for him and they had the suspicion that he was the stalker that has been causing them so many problems, which he is. Even if there was, they wouldn't have accepted him because Russell was painfully stupid. He's tried skydiving once solely. Russell almost died because he thought it was a good idea to release the parachute at the last second possible. He only survived because he panicked and pulled the cord early enough to save him. Russell has had enough of this rejection. He makes a life changing decision. He's going to make them want him by joining them on their next stunt, skydiving onto a small target in the Pacific Ocean.

The day of the event he goes to the airport they are going to and poses as a camera man hired to film The Freefallers. The secretary has some trouble believing this claim, but lets him in after seeing his face value. (Russell hand secretary 300 dollars in cash) He hides under the seat of the plane hoping to avoid detection. He puts on his skydiving suit, oxygen tank, and mask when The Freefallers come on board. Russell goes back into hiding thrilled. The plane starts ascending with The Freefallers oblivious to the fact their stalker is literally right under their noses. They reach the required altitude and start approaching the door. "Are you ready?" "Yes." The door opens and Russell takes that as his signal to come out and jump. (Russell jumps out of the plane) "What was that?" In his own excitement and stupidity, Russell failed to grab a parachute. Russell was in a critical situation. He could die from the low oxygen, but the oxygen tank saved from that. He could die from the freezing cold temperatures, but the insulated suit saved him from a cold fate. There was one more danger Russell had to worry about, and it was delivered to him in hard impact. (crashes through the water and right as he crashes, it switches to the CGI) Arielle Macaluso Intensive Care Unit Nurse: "A very common belief and misconception is that no matter how high the fall, falling in water is guaranteed survival. This is not true, after a certain point it will have a similar effect to hit the concrete. If you've done a belly flop, you know what this is like. This man fell from so high up, that when he hit the water, it broke his face and forehead driving many bones into his brain, shattered his chest plate driving fragments into his heart and lungs, and breaking his pelvis puncturing the rectum, bladder, kidneys, and arteries in the pelvis. This killed him instantly.

Russell wanted to be with the group he was stalking. Now they can never meet, because The Freefallers are flying high, and Russell is now deep down under.

Way to Die #806

Para-cide

For once on 1000 Ways to Die, we're going to show you a tale of love and loss. A bastard's life will be lost, and you're going to love it was. (scene shows a man sprinting in the forest) What is this man running from? Is a bear chasing him? Is he training for a marathon? Did he come upon a bloody murder? No, none of them are why. This is Preston, is the most revolting type of scum this world has to offer. He's a rapist. For ten years he has been going around his city pulling the same tactic. He'd find a victim, stalk them back to their place, and then while they were asleep, he'd break in. He was very careful when breaking in. First he would drill four holes into a window an equal distance from each other. Then, he would use his special bolt cutters to cut through the window. Finally, he would get in and whatever happened was all up to him and his perverted desires. Every once in a while someone would call the cops and he would make a run for it. As you can tell he always escaped. Over the ten years he's been doing his dirty work, Preston has raped a total of over 150 different women in his area. In actuality, Preston hates women, but he enjoys seeing them in pain for nonconsensual sex. It's people like these who make you wonder "What were they like when they were younger and did they ever to become this horrible?" After each rape, he returned to his housing, he lived unlike most people do. Preston lives in a trailer in the woods to avoid society. He is able to avoid detection when shopping by wearing heavy prosthetic make up. Preston comes back in from his latest rape of an 18 year old and he is exhausted. Like many criminals his own arrogance was starting to get the better of him, if there is a better side to this asshole. He goes up to get a beer and (Preston feels pain in his head and chest and collapses knocking everything off a table) the world becomes a safer place. His newfound arrogance didn't kill him. To explain how this sick bastard died we'll have to rewind our death clock by ten years.

(clock rewinds ten years back) Back when Preston was 25 he had decided after raping a stripper, to become a full time rapist. He never knew that he would succeed in being a rapist for an entire decade. Not only at this time was Preston a rapist, he was an idiot too. His first target was a 19 year old girl he spotted walking home from work. Preston stalks the girl to her house and waits until both the girl and her mother. He shatters the window and starts raping her. And in the ultimate sick act, he inflicts an illegal sex maneuver called sodomizing. Sodomizing is unusual sex, in this case anal sex. Preston had been making so much noise with the rape he was committing; he had waked the slightly overprotective mother up. She was armed with a pistol and ready to shoot the intruder. Preston had barely made it out after the mother discovered him. "Get back her you sick bastard." Once he was done the death clock started ticking because what Preston didn't know the obvious. Anal sex leads to many STDs. The anal sex led to the STD known as syphilis. Syphilis is a potentially fatal STD that can be treated. However, Preston stupidly chose his first victim as the daughter of a prominent doctor and he was too paranoid about being captured to go to a doctor. For an entire decade the syphilis ravaged his body and sent him to Satan's homeland. Dr. Pavel Bindra Cardiac Electrophysicist: "Syphilis takes a relatively long time to kill without treatment. The minimum is ten years. It starts out with sores on the skin in the primary and secondary stages. In its final stages it starts attacking the organs particularly the brain and heart. The syphilis infection caused his central nervous to shut down and destroyed the valves of his heart which ultimately led to his death."

Preston deserved to die. He was low life, perverted, invasive rapist. He spent an entire decade slowly killing himself with his weapon of invasion. In the end the woodsman criminal died from his own, wood.

Way to Die #724

STD: Sex Triggering Death

Coming up, a mother's instinct goes too far and this is why the 1st commandment was made.

Date: October 13, 2006

Seattle, WA

Parents are some of the most heroic and reverence deserving people in existence. They dedicate their lives to help their families and will do anything to protect their families. Many people dream to be a parent, but some don't get the chance to experience being one. Many are because of medical issues, but a select few have their children taken away for their streak of violence. Malcolm is one of them. He had gotten one too many fights that were his fault and got his children taken away. Somehow he had got a new wife. Instead of learning his lesson and taking fault for his actions, Malcolm decided to blame the legal system for his firing and he turned his abuse on his long suffering wife Arianna. He would harass her and ruin her self-esteem "Shut the fuck up and make yourself useful if you can be", kept her away from her family and friend, and use his powerful tools to physically abuse her. Dr. Alex Yufik Clinical/Forensic Psychologist: "Characteristics of an abusive spouse can range from jealousy to sexual abuse. In jealousy they may think that by being possessive of them they are keeping their spouse from leaving them. In actuality, they are making the spouse want to leave them more and if they don't leave, the relationship will fall apart very rapidly." Malcolm was not afraid to abuse Arianna in front of their three kids. Malcolm has attempted to abuse his children as well, but Arianna sacrificed herself to keep her children safe. Every time she did, the abuse got worse. Arianna had finally had enough of Malcolm's abuse. She files an abuse report to the police then goes to work. When she gets back, she makes a shocking discovery. Malcolm has fled the country and gave her annulment papers.

Malcolm was spying on Arianna and heard the call. Being the coward he was, he bought a one way ticket to Sweden to hide from the cops. For the next few years, Malcolm stayed in hiding with his new girlfriend Katarina. Katarina was oblivious to Malcolm's past. To avoid having to flee the country again, Malcolm never marries her. One day, Katarina asks him something. "Can we go to Seattle?" Malcolm refused at first, but after a long argument he finally agreed. On the first day in Seattle, Malcolm decides to go shopping for groceries, a nice gift for Katarina, and some ice cream on the way home. He soon realizes he's only staying about half an hour away from his ex-wife. He decides to make her miserable again. On Friday the 13th, during another rainy night, Malcolm sneaks out and goes to Arianna's house to rob her. Malcolm got lucky; there was a temporary power outage so there were no lights for anyone to see him. He runs full speed to Arianna's house. Twenty feet away from the front door the tables are turned on him. (Malcolm is knocked down backwards and he bleeds out of his neck while groaning in agony, and dies) To help support her family, Arianna had to get another job, at the department store Malcolm went to. Arianna saw him there and decided to protect her family. She put some of Malcolm's barbed wire he left behind when he fled. She set up four posts and put the barbed wire around them so if Malcolm tried to return, he would be stopped. The plan worked to well; she unknowingly put the barbed wire at Malcolm's neck level and. Dr Khyber Zaffarkhan Physical Medicine & Rehab: "The velocity he had while running allowed the barbs to puncture both of his carotid arteries. Even though they were small wounds, the fact it hit such a vital artery allowed enough blood to drain from his body, and he died.

Malcolm was a low life abusive bastard who was too cowardly to face the consequences. He returned to the scene of the crime and finally learned of some of the torture he put his wife through. In the end, he went from clothslined to flatlined.

Way to Die #437

Drainstorm

Date: 325 AD

Roman Empire

We go back on the ancient civilization of the Roman Empire. The Christians of this Empire are centered off in one part. It's a peaceful and nearly utopic ever since the Edict of Nantes was signed 12 years ago. The Roman Christians are devout Christians who devote their lives to their beliefs in Christ. They have daily praying sessions, several crosses throughout the civilization, and a church which some people practically live in. However, no civilization is perfect and neither was this one. William Cooke Historian: "Early on, the Christians of the Roman Empire were persecuted for their Christianity. This was soon ended when the emperor Constantine I signed the Edict of Nantes which was a bill of religious tolerance. After that, many Christians made centered themselves distant from the Empire" The Roman Christians were so serious about their Christianity, that if anyone was proven to be a heretic, they were treated like a modern day traitor. All of them lived in fear of this sentence. None were more scared than Lavinia. She would go to church as often as her fellow Christians, but here's the catch. She's not a Christian; she actually hates Christianity and is a Satanist. Her entire house is decorated to show off her love of the devil. This includes inverted crosses with a large one on her back wall, pentagrams inside circles, voodoo dolls of the big guy, and Rosary beads hanging over a candle slowly melting. Lavinia is very careful not to show anyone her place, because as we said before, she's terrified of the death sentence. Every night, Lavinia went to her pentagram and prayed to the devil using what she thought was words that would send the Christians she despises to hell. In reality, the words are just mumbo jumbo. Lavinia has even gone as far as to make her own jewelry representing her worship towards Satan. Lavinia wants to get others into her beliefs, but fears they'll turn her in to the executioner.

Today, Lavinia has to do what she dreads most, go to church. Lavinia was so annoyed with having to go there today, that she had forgotten to take off her inverted cross medallion. She had no idea what they were doing today and was not looking forward to it. When she entered, everyone was looking at Lavinia and she was wondering why. Reason was, her inverted cross medallion was drawing her unwanted attention. "Quid est istud?" (Translation: What is that?) (points at her medallion) "Possum explicet." (Translation: I can explain.) "Satanist!" "Immo ut ultricies subvertit." (No, no it's upside down) (flips medallion upside down but gravity puts it back to being inverted)The priest realizes of Lavinia's Satanism and makes a decision. "Eamus domum scrutarentur." (Let's search her house) Lavinia is in trouble. If she tries to stop them, she'll look guilty, but if they check her house, they'll see she is guilty. When they get to her house, she begs them not to go in, but they do. When they go in, everyone is shocked and pointed out what's upsetting them. "Cur tua cremium tornatis eice Christus?" (Why is your firewood shaped like Christ?) "Quomodo debes profanare Rosarii?" (How could you desecrate the Rosary?) "Est quod gigas inverso crucis?" (Is that a giant inverted cross?) They finally realize the truth. "Non es Christianus es haereticus." Lavinia is tried and sentenced to death for her heresy. They tie her to a table and get ready to execute her. Right before her execution, Lavinia makes one last move to save her butt. "Jesus nunquam permissum vos inferunt mortem aliquis." (Jesus would never bring death to someone) The Christians don't want to believe her, but they realize she has a point. They go to their praying station and plead to The Big Guy that if they should execute Lavinia, let there be a sign. Suddenly, a wind storm picks up. This ends up picking up a cross and sends it crashing into Lavinia's Satan Playground aka her house. "Satis bona." (Good enough) They return to Lavinia and deliver the news to her. "Christus docuit et oravimus ad bene faciendum est tibi." (We prayed to Christ and he has told us it is okay to execute you.) They bring out a locked box and break it open. And pull out the contents. (contents are revealed to be large metal shards) "Habebis iam pellem viveret!" (You will now be flayed alive) (start cutting her as the interview starts as she screams) William Cooke Historian: "A flaying was an ancient form of execution in which the victim was skinned alive." This was a very difficult process because the key to a flaying is to try to keep the entire removed skin in one piece. This required precision and time so this would increase the time length and cause you to die a slow and painful death."

Lavinia was a devout Satanist who betrayed her community and the word of Christ. Don't feel bad though, she is now spending time with the figure she worships, forever. (Lavinia's bloody skinned body is shown)

Way to Die #922

Deadly Skin

Coming up, on a dark and stormy night, a mugger got more than he bargained for.

Date: December 12, 2008

Manhattan, NY

When the sun goes down on a cold night in New York, the fun still lasts. Even from those you would least expect, meet Jeremy. He was just at a party at this arcade and is now waiting to be picked up by his father. Jeremy isn't your average tween; he's very shy and doesn't have a lot of friends. He usually spends his Friday night playing video games or chatting online. Jeremy doesn't fit in with his age group and often feels alone so he's not remotely concerned about being out alone this late on a Friday night. The only reason he got invited to this party was because the person who planned it, his father forced him to invite Jeremy. Jeremy is still waiting for his father, who is running ten minutes late. He tries calling him, but gets no answer. Another ten minutes pass by and it starts snowing; now Jeremy is starting to get pissed and is wondering whether or not his dad forgot to pick him up. Jeremy is now thinking his father actually chose not to. In actuality, his father is stuck in heavy traffic because of an accident. Now with his father thirty minutes late to pick him up. Normally, a person would choose to walk home by now. However, Jeremy believes the second he arrives home; his father would be waiting for him. So, Jeremy walks around aimlessly to help pass the time. What Jeremy doesn't know is, he's being watched. He walks past a column, and is ambushed. (man comes out and puts Jeremy in a headlock) Jeremy has just been attacked by a mugger known as Nocturnal, because he only attacks at the dead of night.

Kerri Laron Police Officer: "The difference between a mugger and a street thief is a street thief threatens to hurt their victims to rob them, while a mugger hurts their victims and robs them. Mugging is treated as robbery so the sentence a mugger can get would be similar to say an armed robbery." Nocturnal is a feared mugger who has delivered his wrath onto many victims. Every night, he would go out in disguise and attack innocent bystanders and rob them of valuables. His weapon of choice is a .48 caliber pistol. He had some troubles with his mugging in the busy streets of Manhattan. However, he was very successful in his career. He was careful enough to cover his entire face to make sure no one could ever turn him in. Although he has never done it before, Nocturnal is not afraid to rob and harm a child. Even a tween like Jeremy is another chance for him to get off with something decent. Nocturnal puts the gun to Jeremy's head and lets out a cry. "All right, give me everything you got, and maybe I'll go easy on you." Nocturnal has just made a huge mistake. The party Jeremy had gone to was to celebrate a huge achievement, getting his black belt in karate. A fellow student at his karate place who had gotten his black belt the same time as Jeremy decided to throw a party with everyone who got their black belts too. Jeremy was not afraid of Nocturnal or his gun. Then, he makes a brave but dangerous move. He breaks out of the headlock and defends himself. "Give you everything I got? Fine!" (kicks Nocturnal's arm, the gun goes off, and Nocturnal collapses dead) "What the hell just happened?" Vincent Odon Firearms Expert: "The way a pistol works is the trigger generates a force that turns levers and causes a bullet to fire. When this kid kicked Nocturnal in the arm, it caused his arm to fly into his chest causing the gun to hit with enough force that it was equivalent to pressing the trigger. This caused a bullet to fire for the cartridge. The bullet passed up his neck, through his brain and blew the top of his skull off, killing him."

If after watching this segment you wonder why anyone would be afraid of the dark, ask Jeremy about his experience with Nocturnal. You'll get a real kick out of it.

Way to Die #59

Noc-turned Off


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